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gallusrostromegalus · 1 year ago

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The Van Has Officially Declared It Spooky Season

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I've got my parent's van for the week and it seems determined to establish my status as The Local Cryptid by terrorizing an innocent 7-11 clerk.

...I might need to back up a bit.

My mother is an eminently sensible woman who knows herself well, and when The Plauge hit, she knew she'd need some sort of mentally and physically engaging craft project to keep herself from going insane and massacring the local zoning and water management boards (even if they have it coming). So she and Dad acquired a utility van and converted it into a camper van because while they love camping, they're past the age where their joints and immune systems will tolerate sleeping on the cold ground in a nylon tent.

They did a terrific job of it and my mom taught herself woodworking and carpentry and now the van has it's own cabinets, fold-away dining table, and removable queen-sized bed with memory foam mattress. My Dad was already a computer engineer, but he learned the dark magics of automotive software and electronics to install after-market backup cameras, a media player that would take a terabyte hard drive and a solar-powered battery and outlet so they could wake up and just turn on the kettle and griddle for breakfast without having to exit the van into a cold morning on an empty stomach.

Truly, the height of Camping Luxury.

My parents are both in their mid-seventies and my primary life goal is to be at least half as cool and hale as they are when I get old.

Anyway, they take it out at least a dozen times a year and it works fabulously, but, being as I am on good terms with my parents and also finishing the process of moving house, I've been borrowing it to move large and cumbersome objects that will not fit in the back of my equally lovely but minuscule Honda hatchback.

It's a Great Van. Very easy and comfortable to drive. Stunningly good MPG for it's size. The best cruise control I've ever had in a car.

It's just also. Quirky. Mischievous, even.

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If this van has a fault its that it bears the unfortunate affliction that all lightly used white utility vans have in that the combination of an utter lack of branding features and the large dent/scrape I accidentally put on it while trying to escape a Denny's last Thanksgiving means that this vehicle is one addition of a Badly Spray-Painted "FREE CANDY" on the side away from being the sort of vehicle you see in an edgy horror movie.

It's got the same issue that Doberman Dogs have where they look like the sort of creature that likes to snack on toddler's faces whilst actually having personalities made of marshmallow fluff. This vehicle is unnecessarily menacing and I think nothing short of an airbrushed Epic Van Wizard will correct this. People see this van pull up and lean over and squint suspiciously at me when the driver's side door opens, and then look moderately confused when, instead of Charles Manson, a small, potato-shaped creature with neon purple hair and a statistically unlikely assortment of dogs emerges.

My own two dogs, Herschel the Hanukkah Goblin/Corgi and Charleston Chew The Taco Dumpster Dog, Do Not Like The Van. Even with the bed in it, they have a tendency to slide and roll around in the back, and both WILL chew through dog saftey belts or other attempts to secure them in there.

On the other hand, my house mate's dog, an exceptionally tall standard poodle whom we lovingly call "The Creature", loves the Van because SHE wears her doggy seat-belt with only mild complaining and gets to sit up in the passenger seat like A People.

Also like A People, The Creature likes to stand and walk around on her hind legs. It doesn't hurt her and it's entirely voluntary, but every so often I will feel a hand on my arm and instead of my husband or friend, it's a canine that's taller than I am on her hind legs who wants to stare at my face with soulful, concerned eyes. The Creature's favorite thing is that she is exactly the right height for me to hold her arm in Genteel Fashion and walk around the pet food or hardware store with her like I'm a count escorting a debutante around a royal ball.

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As it stands, I am set to inherit this vehicle whenever my Honda gives up the ghost, and I fully intend to paint an Epic Van Wizard on it when that time comes.

The other peculiarity of The Van is that while Dad did manage to successfully install all his after-market electronics, not all the electronics get along. Sometimes, they fight for Dominance. The Terabyte Music Player and the Backup Camera have a particularly contentious relationship, and turning on the music has about a 25% chance of turning on the backup camera as well, and turning on the Backup Camera is equally likely to turn on the music.

Firthermore, The Van has a favorite song.

I am not kidding that Dad filled an entire terabyte hard drive with music and the software to sort it via the radio controls, but of all the Early Boomer Dad Rock (Kingston Trio over The Eagles) and Irish Folk and Symphonies and the entire discography of Weird Al Yankovic, The Van's favorite song- The one it picks to play as victory music every time it beats the Backup Camera at their weird electronic game of rock-paper-scissors -is The Liberty Bell March by John Phillip Sousa.

You all know this song already.

...but in case you've forgotten the tune:

youtube

Yeah.

The Van's favorite song is the goddamn Monty Python's Flying Circus Theme Music.

It does not play this song at a normal volume.

Every time I turn on the Backup Camera and it manages to turn the music player on as well, The Van insists on absolutely blasting this nonsense on at the maximum volume it's physically capable of producing, which I know is loud enough to be heard from the Denver International Airport's Pickup zone when they Van decided to start playing it from the economy lot about half a mile away.

Perhaps it's The Van's way of honoring the aesthetic sensibilities and sonic enthusiasm of Mr. Sousa.

...I can't help but wonder if the purpose of an Epic Van Wizard is to control this sort of faerie-like malarkey, and channel these chaotic energies into things like Spell of Don't Break Down In Nevada or Enchantment Of Always Have Good Parking.

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So last Friday the 13th, I get a call from my friend and housemate, at said airport.

It's roughly 11PM at night, and I have already retired for the evening. I am in the exact minimum of clothing required to be a decent housemate and not scandalize the neighbors should I happen to walk by a window. My feet are up. There is a cat in my lap and fictional British people murdering each other in highly inventive fashion on the tv. -But my friend has returned from her friend's wedding,and either American or United Airlines has managed to lose her luggage, including, among other valuable possessions, the keys to her car. ...So she cannot just drive home as originally planned.

There are, as luck would have it, her spare set of keys not eight feet from me.

Being a good and decent person, I agree to bring the spare keys to her so she may get home before daybreak and not spend a semester's worth of tuition on an uber across the greater Denver traffic jam.

Being also that she Loves Activities, and it's her mom we're going to pick up, I elect to take along The Creature.

I am primarily focused on remembering how to get to the airport and not leaving my friend's spare keys on the counter, so I throw on a pair of flip-flops, step outside, remember that it's AUTUMN and my minimal evening attire is not sufficient thermal protection, step back in, grab the first coat in the closet I lay hands on, pull it on, check that I have her keys again and leave.

The trip to the airport is largely unremarkable, save that it becomes necessary for me to put on sunglasses to drive, despite it being nearly the witching hour and almost entirely darker than the inside of a cow.

It's necessary because this blissful darkness of night is violently punctured by a startling number of cars that seem to have installed miniaturized but no less powerful lighthouse bulbs in where their headlights ought to go so the oncoming traffic and sports cars that insist on tailgating me in the slow lane alike illuminate the road and my mirrors with the kind of radiance I'd normally associate with the arrival of a Seraphim.

I arrive at the distant highly discounted airport car lot where my housemate is waiting, deeply apologetic. It's nothing. I say. Once I see that your car starts up, I'm gonna go to that 7-11 across the way that I parked in front of, get a slurpee or something and I'll see you at home.

While she is retrieving her vehicle (an equally eccentric but much more stately Subaru that is old enough to be elected to congress) I rifle through the loose change in the glove box and discover that I have exactly $6.66 in small bills and coins. The Subaru, continuing it's long voyage into vehicular immortality, immediately starts up.

Upon her return, we all remember that my friend had all her camping gear in the backseat of the car and there is no room for The Creature to ride home with her parent, so I again assure her it's nothing, and will just take The Creature into the 7-11 with me. She is trained as a service animal and needs the practice after the plague.

I wave my friend off and turn to enter the 7-11.

I promptly trip over the jutting back bumper of The Van and fall, cartoonishly, face-first onto the sidewalk.

Fortunately, I have a lot of practice falling on my face, and have learned not to throw my hands out but instead cover my face, so my unexpected self-inflicted attempted curb-stomping lightly scrapes my hairline and nothing else -my sunglasses even stay in place- and I get up and resume my quest for a slurpee.

It's well known that the airport is a lawless place, and the 7-11 across from the discounted airport parking at the stroke of midnight is no exception.

I know it's the stroke of Midnight because there's one of those Audubon society bird-call clocks that makes bird noises, and my arrival is heralded by the twittering call of a Summer Tanager. I am almost charmed enough by the unusual choice of chronological device to excuse the exorbitant Airport-adjacent mark-up of Slurpee prices. I stand at the machine for some time, trying to decide on a size for the price and guess what the fuck "Blue Lighting Blast" is supposed to taste like.

The Creature is being Very Polite but is somewhat agitated, I assume because she *just* saw her mother for the first time in three days and then she LEFT with no explanation, so The Creature is on her hind legs, staring woefully into my eyes, asking to be escorted around the 7-11. Even though that's not what she's not supposed to be doing, there's nobody else in here, so I let her hang off my arm and discuss various Slurpee Flavor options with her.

We eventually decide on an experiment in which I try a Small Blue Lightning Blast, and discover it tastes a bit like licking a nintendo cartridge but in a pleasantly satisfying way.

I go up to pay and realize something is amiss.

The Cashier is a young man staring at me with wide eyes, one had over the register and the other wrapped up in his rosary.

I look down at myself.

In my haste to reunite my friend with her spare keys and service animal, I had left the house in the following accoutrements:

Flip Flops. Not matching. It's below freezing outside. That last part is not particularly odd footwear for the weather in for Colorado, but it's an important detail for the rest of the ensemble.

Assorted scrapes, bruises, cuts and welts on my arms and legs that come with doing outdoor work and living in a house with three dogs and a fully-clawed cat that all want to be in my lap all the time. It's cold out, so vasoconstriction has pulled the blood away from my skin, a trait that served my ancestors well during the last Ice Age, but leaves me with pale skin to contrast the various wounds and I look like a corpse that fell out of the back of a pickup truck.

The black Bootyshorts with "CRYPTID" painted in bright red gothic font across my ass, that @theshitpostcalligrapher gave me for my wedding present.

A peculiar but extremely comfortable garment that straddles the line between "Lacy Camisole" and "Industrial-Strength Sports Bra" like the Ever Given straddling the Suez Canal. It is also Bright Red. with black accents.

The Jacket I had grabbed out of the closet, which is in fact, a black Velour Dinner Jacket.

The Tokyo-Ghoul inspired reusable anti-covid mask a friend made me with the set of Coyote Teeth.

My sunglasses, which are shaped like a Halloween Bat. The lenses are the wings and the body is the nose bridge. It is ALSO bright red.

A Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle that I have been audibly affectionately calling "Dear Creature" who is hanging off my arm like she's my Prom Date.

The Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle is ALSO dressed up in a black Dog Sweater that has white bones printed on it to look like its an X-ray jacket showing off her skeleton.

I look like I am taking my Very Fancy Werewolf Girlfriend to a particularly casual Dinner Party for Vampires, but the thing that's really selling it and probably alarming the kid the most is the fun accessory I acquired in the parking lot not five minutes earlier:

The "Small Scrape At my Hairline" is actually a painless but PROFUSELY bleeding head wound that I had somehow entirely failed to notice covering my face, neck, decolletage and magnificent cleavage with blood like a Tarantino Film Extra.

This does explain why The Creature has been delicately trying to use her bodyweight to push me down onto the floor for the last ten minutes. So I don't injure myself while we wait for the paramedics she hoped this kid called to arrive, you see.

The Creature has such a High and Naive Opinion of humanity.

I decide this social situation is already fucked, and the only way out is through, and with haste, before I start dripping on the floor.

"Hi there!" I say cheerfully, to indicate this is a visually alarming but not terribly serious situation. "Just a Small Slurpee!"

The Cashier has entered the relevant code into the register before I finish the sentence. His gaze flicks off me just long enough to look at the total, and he grips his Rosary harder.

$6.66

"Oh cool! I have exact change!" I say, taking the money out of my as-yet-unsanguined pocket without looking and slap it down on the counter. "You have a good night and be safe out there!" I wave, leaving.

I get in The Van, mortified, buckle The Creature up, and as I make to leave, I have to put it in reverse, which automatically turns on the backup Camera.

It also turns on the music player.

I make eye contact with the cashier as the dulcet tones of John Phillip Sousa boom from the van hard enough to make the windshield and the windows of the 7-11 rattle for the nine-and-a-half seconds I have to wait to be able to turn the volume back down. Not knowing what else to to, I give him a thumbs up, and leave.

Anyway, now I know what my Future Van Wizard has got to be dressed like, and what their familiar is.

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If you enjoyed this story, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi or Pre-ordering my Family Lore Funny Stories book on Patreon

#Family Lore #Dogs #It's Halloween babey #friday the 13th #blood mention #I hope that kid had a good night and at least one of his friends believed him #Long post #Video

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jinkieswouldyoulookatthis · 1 year ago

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"Have you and Jared ever gone driving in Baby around Austin because you miss playing Sam and Dean so much?"

"Yes. But not because we missed playing Sam and Dean. Because we're children. And we wanted to go fast in the car that we'd spent so much time in and we thought it would be great to do that. Um. Right now I will say that both the Impalas, the Hero, which.. number one that I have, and the number three, which is the back up to number one, number two was the stunt one that got beat to crap, but number three was that the back up to whatever, uh, whenever number one wouldn't start. 'Cause you gotta remember, these were just picture cars, these weren't like, you know, car show type cars. They were... there was a reason that door squeaked the way it did. It's 'cause they weren't, uh, they weren't like high functioning automobiles. Um, that being said, now that Jared and I own both of those, um, both of those cars are currently in the same shop in Texas right now, getting done to where we can put them in a car show. I will say though , I will say... leaving the squeak in the door though. And not touching the paint job. So every scratch, every dent, every nick, every paint chip that was on the car when it was on screen will remain the same. Um, we're just getting everything underneath it nice and reliable. And because we both live in Texas, we're also putting in air conditioning. And a sound system. Because what they did when Jared and I were there, is they stripped the car of anything that we could annoy the crew with. It used to have police lights on the... gone. 'Cause usually those were high beamed pointed directly into the camera lens and Brad was like, [mimes looking through a camera] "Ow!" Uh, they took the horn out, 'cause that was always fun when somebody was right over the hood, like adjusting a light and just be like HONK! They removed the horn, uh, they removed the stereo system because we kept playing music. So they had to take a lot of stuff out of the Impala just so they could get through the day... with us... 'cause again, we're children. So I'm having to put all that stuff back in now. So that it'll be street legal. But yes, I'm excited to get them back and then Jared and I can race them down South Congress Avenue. And get arrested. Thank you."

#Jensen and Baby #oh baby #Jensen and the Impala #Salute to Supernatural Vancouver 2022

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domesticandlovingmonsters · 1 year ago

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Commission: M!Dragon Boss x NB!Reader

Notes: A lovely commission from a lovely follower! I have edited out their personal details and anything they wanted removed. This has been made a NB-Reader Fic for the public enjoyment. Enjoy! Warnings: no warnings Themes: 5K words, sfw, slow burn

~See this first and Part 2 on Patreon~

A massive yawn ripped through you as you made your way to work.

The morning was as normal as ever. And the traffic going to work was slow, but nothing that would make you late. Your brother, Jimmy, was seated beside you in the driver's seat and was feeling just as sleepy as he drove the usual route on autopilot.

When he spoke, it startled you a little out of your thoughts, “Hey, isn’t that new boss coming in today?”

You hummed an affirmative. “Yeah. He’s coming in to meet the managers and staff, apparently.”

Jimmy nodded and slowed to turn into the parking lot of your workplace. And almost immediately, you spotted the very expensive sports car amongst the various normal vehicles. It gleamed with a polished shine in the sunlight and even had a personalized plate with the word “Boss” on it.

Your brother laughed as he parked beside it.

“I like this guy already.” Jimmy said as he turned off the vehicle.

You got out of the car and admired the sleek looking vehicle. It was well cared for and didn’t have a single dent or scratch on it. You were almost scared to walk past it in case you somehow caused some damage to the paint job.

“So, any bets on what he looks like?” You asked and Jimmy shrugged. Leading the way towards the main building.

“I’m getting ‘rich pompous man’ vibes from the car. Possibly mob-boss style clothing and an attitude problem.” Jimmy said. You walked along the side of the building towards the front entrance. You overtook your brother, half laughing at the image you were getting in your mind.

“I’m thinking, a guy like the Penguin from Batman,” You said. “Kinda ugly, but rich and well dressed. Attitude problem that is going to cause us a headache- Oh!”

While talking, you were only half paying attention to where you were going. And as you flung open the door to enter your workplace, you almost slammed right into a towering being of muscle and hard scales.

A massive hand reached out and grabbed your arm, steadying you as you stumbled back.

“Oop, my apologies! I didn’t see you coming in.” A rumble of a voice said as you were released from the iron grip. And as you looked up, having to crane your neck a little, you met the startling golden gaze of a Dragon.

His smile was easy-going and showed a small sliver of white fangs behind his lips. The crisp black suit hugged the huge toned body well, displaying the curves and thick muscle beneath the material.

And his scales, a deep ocean blue, contrasted beautifully with the dark coloring of his clothing.

“Oh, thank you. No it was my fault, I wasn’t paying attention.” You said, unable to properly look this creature in the eyes. His gaze was captivating and he towered over you like a tree. You weren’t intimidated in any way…just a little flustered.

“Ah, well, let’s both share the blame. Then at least no one is at fault.” His eyes gleamed like melted gold coins, matching the warm laugh that rumbled through his chest. “Kierce Silver. I’m the newest addition to your workforce.”

He eyed your uniform and offered out his hand. Which you took and your fingers were swallowed in the wide palm. You felt his claws carefully move so they didn’t scratch your skin as you shook his hand.

“I’m (y/n), and welcome! Do you need a tour to the main office? Or have you already been given the rundown of the place?” You asked.

The building wasn’t complicated to navigate. And training always involved a heavy dose of orientation before actually getting the person to work. But you still remembered your first day here and remembered the comfort of a friendly face being there with you while you were shown the ropes. You tried to help out any new people so that they didn’t feel awkward while being introduced to other employees and actually feel comfortable on their first day.

Kierce smiled and his chuckle was warm. He stepped to the side and gestured for you to lead the way. “By all means, I’d love a tour.”

Jimmy, having been standing somewhat behind you, watching this entire interaction go down; slipped past you and hurried inside. Giving the newcomer his own introduction and shook the man’s hand.

“I gotta run, but if you need anything, just let me know.” Jimmy offered as he retreated into the building. Shooting you a little cheeky grin as he passed by.

You ignored him and started making your way through the hallways. Giving Kierce a rundown on the building and where everything is. You knew the place fairly well and gave your best explanations to each of the areas and what Kierce would expect in each one. The Dragon hadn’t told you where he would be working. But usually new hires were always on the factory floor with the conveyor belts or working alongside a seasoned employee. Until they were trained and able to do jobs by themselves.

Halfway through your walk, you realized you were talking nonstop, gesturing wildly as you went on and on about the building. You quickly stopped and gave Kierce an apologetic smile.

“It’s a lot to take in, sorry. But you’ll figure it all out after a few days.” You said with a shrug. “The warehouse is pretty basic. Have you been given the safety orientation?”

Kierce nodded. Seeming to have been drinking in every word you spoke. “I’m familiar with the protocols. I have a lot of experience with this line of work, so I don’t think I will need to do any of the orientation details.”

“Everyone needs to do it.” You said. Coming up to the windows that showed the massive layout of machinery and conveyor belts. “It’s part of the company’s policies and guidelines. If you don’t, you can’t go onto the warehouse floor.”

“Oh, I’m sure I can squeeze past that little roadblock.” His grin seemed too wide. And it slightly annoyed you at how smug his tone was. “But I appreciate you taking the time to show me around. We should do this more often, I’d like to get to know all of my employees.”

Em…Employees?

You finally properly looked up at this Dragon. His ivory horns were neatly filed and polished to a shine. His blue scales were almost reflective like a mirror and the suit was a little more tailored now that you looked a little harder. He looked too…well dressed for someone who was going to be down on the floor all day. Or was coming in for an interview. Which would have been your other guess.

His handsome features crinkled with a soft laugh. “You were too cute to pass up the tour.” He said. “Let me start over. I’m Kierce Silver, your new boss. I was just dropping by to get some paperwork and make introductions. I couldn’t pass up spending a little time with a pretty little jewel like yourself.”

Your heart was hammering in your chest.

This was your new boss? This was not at all what you had expected. And…did he just call you…pretty?

There was something in the way he smiled. It seemed…to smug for your liking. And the dazzling, coy crinkle around his eyes rubbed you the wrong way.

So much so, that the friendliness you shared with him dwindled into a polite, professional smile. And you nodded curtly. Nothing that would be considered rude or impolite, but merely acknowledging his words.

“Well, welcome to the workplace.” You said. “I’m sure you don’t need me anymore then, I’ll be off to clock in.”

Before Kierce could try and rectify the conversation, you were turning away from him and walking towards the office. The Dragon physically gawked at the sudden change in your demeanor. Caught by surprise, he wasn’t able to kick his body into motion to chase after you as you disappeared through another set of doors.

He managed to catch up with you just as you were halted by a coworker, who seemed to be talking rapidly about something.

You didn’t see Kierce come up behind you, but the way your friend Amber’s rant about the hot new boss came to a screeching halt, told you that he had just come up behind you.

You turned slowly to look up at the guy, and his smile was apologetic, but still had the curling smirk at the corners.

“I’m sorry if I offended you back there,” Kierce said. “I was only being playful.”

“I wasn’t offended. You just caught me off guard, is all.” You replied. But the bitterness in your tone told Kierce that he had in fact hit a small nerve. “And if I kept talking, I would have been made late.”

It was only a half truth. You had possibly ten minutes before you really needed to clock in.

Kierce nodded and looked around the office where you had put your bag down. There were alot of people staring and a few were whispering amongst themselves. None were paying attention to you thankfully.

The woman beside you was beaming up at him. And he smiled in return, offering his hand to her as he introduced himself.

You found yourself rolling your eyes as the coy tone returned to the Dragon’s voice. You decided to use Amber as an escape and quickly ducked away to go start your day.

Kierce was the talk of the factory.

He seemed to be all anyone could talk about. He stuck around for another hour to meet the rest of his employees and then had to leave for other business.

But he might as well have stayed around for the rest of the day. Since every conversation you had with someone was about the new Dragon.

“He’s so handsome! I’ve never met a Dragon before. He is so pretty.” One person cooed as a few of you worked over an assembly belt. “His blue scales are gorgeous! Is it too weird if I ask to touch his arm?”

“Did you see him bring flowers for Milly? What a sweetheart. He’s only been here for a few hours and he’s already got everyone liking him.” Another had said with a laugh.

And you couldn’t really escape him either. Everywhere you went, he was there. And that warm, cocky smile was there to greet you. Through the work week Kierce was coming and going from the building. Instead of Milly going out of her way to leave the building just to talk with him about the business, he would come to her.

Sometimes their meetings would go on for hours at a time and Milly would come out with new piles of paperwork. Once or twice you had to come in a little earlier for a meeting that everyone had to sit through. Mostly some changes the bosses wanted the workers to know. It was small things. And no one really cared about them since it didn’t properly affect their jobs or hours. It was only minor things affecting the company itself and not the people.

Kierce would accompany her through this process, answering any questions people had on anything that changed. He vouched for transparency when it came to his company.

“I don’t want any of you to think we’re hiding any information from you.” Kierce said in one morning meeting. “If you have any questions, even silly little enquiries, don’t be afraid to approach me and ask.”

He was approachable and friendly. And it was incredibly annoying.

You tried to ignore him. But the giant Dragon with a smooth voice and even silkier lines was hard to ignore when he signaled you out for conversation.

Amber didn’t miss a thing throughout the week. Seeming to catch every little smirk and wink Kierce sent your way. And teasing you relentlessly when you scoffed or blatantly ignored him. But thankfully, she only once caught the coloring in your cheeks when Kierce spoke to you.

“Admit it,” Amber teased, speaking low enough that only you could hear her. “You find him just as cute as everyone else.”

You pretended to think about it. Pouting your lips like it was a hard question. But then shrugged and said casually. “He’s…ok.”

Kierce was definitely more than ok, but you weren’t going to let everyone know that. A couple of people had already teased you about “showing the new boss around” on his first day.

Apparently, Kierce had also made mention of your little walk around with him a few times, to a few people. And of course, the gossip mill worked its magic. But you weren��t really worried. There was always some sort of rumor or piece of news floating around the workplace, and rarely did it last very long.

But during that week you saw Kierce start making the rounds to every station in the building. Making introductions and shaking hands with the employees of the warehouse. To the people that he missed because they were sick or didn’t work on the days he had come in.

Again, no matter who he talked to, they loved him. You seemed to be the only person that found his overly cocky attitude and playful smirks frustrating.

You and Amber were one of the last for Milly to bring Kierce over too. It was on your Friday, just before lunch. You kept working while Amber made small talk and laughed at the small jokes Kierce made.

It almost had you rolling your eyes. But you refrained from doing so, in case Milly didn’t take too kindly to it, since this was her boss. As well as yours.

“And of course, you’ve already met (y/n).” Milly smiled. You could see the silent chuckle on her lips as Kierce nodded.

“How could I forget~” Kierce practically purred. If a Dragon could purr. It could have been a soft growl. But that was probably something you weren’t meant to ask someone.

But instead you plastered on that same polite smile as Kierce leaned against the machine and watched what you were doing. “This is obviously a stupid question, but are you enjoying your job?” Kierce asked. The playfulness in his tone was replaced with something along the same lines as professionalism. “Is there anything you think would help you improve your work life here?”

“Shorter hours and more pay?” Amber quipped. Which rewarded her with a somewhat sharp look from Milly. But did get a chuckle from Kierce.

“Wouldn’t that be the dream?” He said. “But seriously. Do you feel safe working with these machines? Do you think you need more training? Maybe some better equipment or safety measures?”

As much as you wanted this to be a serious conversation, you couldn’t quite concentrate while Kierce was leaning so close.

There was a subtle cologne wafting from his massive chest and, damn, it smelled really nice.

“Um, well…” You tried to run through all your time here and come up with an answer that was a little bit better than; ‘oh, it’s ok.’ and follow it up with a shrug. Because it wasn’t, not entirely anyway. There was always something to improve in the workplace. But Kierce was making it really hard to think of anything but him right now.

You decided to stall just a little bit. “There is always something to improve, but since it’s still early in the day, I can’t think of anything right now.”

“It's almost lunch time,” Amber said, and you tried very hard not to kick her shins for it. You ignored her and continued.

“I could always write a list and get it back to you.” You suggested, and Kierce laughed. He stepped closer and started helping with your task as Milly stayed back.

“An entire list? I didn’t think this place was that bad.” Kierce said.

“Oh, no, it’s really not. It’s just-”

Your words died in your throat as Kierce winked down at you.

“Don’t worry, I’m just teasing, shortcake. If you can write a list of improvements or any concerns you have, I’d really appreciate it. I want to know every little dirty detail about this place.”

He finished up what he was doing and bid his farewell to you and Amber. “Thanks for the talk, ladies. Don’t work too hard now.” Another wink and another charming smile and Kierce was walking away with Milly trailing behind him.

Amber waited till Kierce was out of earshot before grabbing your arm and shaking it with an excited giggle.

“Oh my God, he is so into you.” She giggled. And you made a dramatic gesture of gagging as you wiggled your arm out of her grasp.

“Oh please, the guy has flirted with everyone that walks in front of him.” You replied, a little bitterly. Hoping Amber would let go of the subject. “If the machines had eyes, he’d try to woo them too.”

~~~~~~

Over the course of the next few weeks your usual routine was shattered with the constant presence of Kierce. You had hoped he was there for only a week. That he would show boast around and then leave.

But instead, Milly had informed everyone that he would be taking over while she was away on leave. It wouldn’t be too long. But you knew what that meant.

Kierce was going to be here everyday.

And he was always at the front doors when you arrived, smiling and greeting you warmly. But there was always a reason for him to be there.

First he was speaking with a construction team on some new plans for the main entrance and showing them around.

A few times he had run into a co-worker on his way in and they would stand by the doors and chat almost every morning.

Once he was on call with someone, and even hushed them over the phone to say good morning to you.

But as far as you knew, he did this with everyone. Kierce was so friendly that you couldn’t say he was, or was not, singling you out with his attention.

And you were getting tired of trying to guess his intentions every time he came up to you.

Except for this morning, where a single rose was resting on your desk. Next to it was a note that read;

“Thank you for giving me your insight on the building and its protocols. You’ve been a great help to the improvement of this workplace.

Kierce”

What was worse was the little drawn heart next to his name. Which, much to your surprise and frustration, caused a little flutter of butterflies in your chest.

You quickly stuffed the note into your pockets and picked up the rose. You didn’t have anywhere to put it, other than leaving it on your desk with your things. Or stuffing it into your bag. Leaving it on the desk would be a nice thing to come back to anytime you weren’t on the factory floor.

But then again, you didn’t want to give in to the rumors and fangirling that everyone was still tightly caught up in.

You couldn’t deny however, that receiving a flower like this and being appreciated had you smiling for the rest of the day. And when you gave the flower to Amber, she was grinning ear to ear just as much as you.

“Jake is going to have to step up his game.” Amber said. Placing the flower in her bag so she remembered to take it home with her. “I don’t think he’s gotten me flowers in a while.”

“Well, I’m happy to lift your expectations up.” You replied, laughing. About to step away from your desk when Kierce came through the doors. Almost barreling into you as he did.

“We really have to stop meeting like this,” Kierce teased. Chuckling as you stepped back to let him pass.

“It’s almost like you wait for me behind these doors.” You quipped back. “And then when I’m too close, you push through. Forcing me to talk to you.”

“Aww, what? You don’t like our little conversations?” He asked with a wink before disappearing into the back office. From your desk, you could see into the room he had entered. He placed down a cup of coffee and sat behind the table.

With how big he was, the desk looked so much smaller than it actually was. And you had seen him get a bigger chair than the one Milly usually used. He dwarfed a lot of everything around him.

Which had made you giggle a little at the thought of such a huge guy trying to sit on an averaged sized office chair.

“You’re staring,” Amber said. A very mocking look plastered on her face as you jabbed her playfully in the ribs.

“Oh, and you don’t?” You tried to say.

But then Amber laughed.

“You’re not denying it!” She said, drawing out the words as she exited through the doors towards the factory. You rolled your eyes and followed her through.

The note stuck with you in your mind throughout the day. You accepted that it did in fact make you a little giddy inside. When was the last time anyone got you flowers?

But then you were brought out of your thoughts by a tap on your shoulder. You turned and smiled at a man around your age. You knew him as one of the newer employees. With scruffy blonde hair and freckles covering his cheeks.

“Hi, sorry to bother you. I’m Max, we haven’t been properly introduced.” He offered you his hand and you shook it, giving your name in return. “Oh, I know, your name. Amber here has told me alot about you. And I was wondering if you’d like to get coffee sometime this weekend.” Max’s cheeks went bright red and he nervously looked down at your shoes before forcing his gaze to raise back to your eyes.

Amber beside you made a quiet squeak noise. But her attention was heavily on the belt in front of her.

You were utterly shocked by the question. So much so, your mouth went into autopilot and accepted the invitation before your mind could kick into gear.

Max’s smile was so wide you thought he was going to split his cheeks.

“Awesome! Um, what’s your number and we can organize a time.”

You couldn’t exactly back out now. So, you gave Max your number and he scribbled it down on a piece of paper. Since phones weren’t permitted in the factory. He’d have to wait till he returned to his bag and put it in then.

“Alright! We’ll talk soon.”

And just like that, you had a date planned for sometime over the weekend.

You turned back to the belt you were working on with Amber in somewhat of a daze. Until Amber laughed and nudged your side.

“Look at you getting a date.” She teased. Glancing over at Max as he returned to his station. “He’s cute. He’s no Dragon, but he’s cute.”

You laughed nervously. You could feel the heat in your cheeks as you tried to busy yourself with work. “I didn’t even think about it. I just automatically said, yes.”

Amber laughed. “Give him a chance. He might be really sweet.”

You nodded, agreeing you might as well give Max a chance. And it was something to look forward to over the weekend.

You weren’t exactly feeling the excitement when the day came to actually go to the date.

The nerves that rattled your body were almost overwhelming the joy of going into a cafe and treating yourself to something sweet.

Max smiled and gave you an awkward hug when you arrived, already having picked out a table for the two of you to sit down at.

The coffee shop itself was quaint. It was surrounded by lush gardens and had an outdoor seating area with large picnic tables that were protected from the sun by broad, colorful umbrellas. The colors bathed the area in mix-matched hues that filtered through the thin layer of material. It wouldn’t entirely shade you from the sun, but protected you enough to not get sunburnt.

Max had picked an outdoor table for the two of you and the server came over just as you sat down. You quickly looked over the small menu and picked out a drink and something from the breakfast menu.

The server smiled and left. Leaving the two of you to sit in a somewhat awkward silence.

“So, uh, what made you say yes to the date?” Max asked. Scratching the back of his neck nervously. He looked just how you felt on your way here. And he was sweating a little.

You shrugged, not entirely sure what he wanted you to say to that. You couldn’t tell him the truth and say it was automatic. “It sounded like a nice time.” You managed to lie. “What about you? Why did you ask me out?”

“Oh, um, you’re just really pretty. And I think you’re pretty funny too. I hear a lot of your conversations with Amber and Jake. They’re great people.”

Max’s words did bring a little color to your cheeks. And you smiled down at the table, chuckling.

“I’m sorry if I seemed like I ever ignored you. Sometimes I get lasered in on a conversation.” You fiddled with a napkin that was sitting on the table. “How long have you been working at the factory?”

“Oh, a few weeks now.” Max said with a shrug. His own eyes wandering elsewhere. “I’m a bit of an antisocial guy so I rarely talk to people at work.”

The conversation went into the subject of the factory. You had to admit, you were getting a little bored talking about the place you were at all week for many hours of the day. Your drinks were brought out to you and you thankfully now had something to change the subject onto.

And you were almost glad when he excused himself to go to the restroom. And you were allowed a few minutes of peace. Looking at the gardens and all the flowers that were beginning to bud.

“Ah, so they do exist outside of work!” A shadow passed over you as a large form stepped around the table to sit in Max’s spot. Kierce smiled broadly as he smoothly slipped onto the bench. Tucking his long legs under the table and curling his thick tail out of the walkway. “And here I thought you just lived in the factory basement.”

You laughed and rolled your eyes. “Oh please, I do have a life outside of that place. What are you doing here? I would have thought you’d be drowning in paperwork.”

“Unlike other workaholics, I can pull myself away from the desk every so often. I need to see the sun at least twice a month to keep my scales shiny.” Kierce said. His smile was broad and didn’t carry the coy smirk you were so used to him wearing. And his clothes were more casual. A simple dark shirt with tight fitting jeans. “I’m here for my weekly treat of raspberry scones and cream. And a very heavy dose of caffeine on the side. What are you doing here? On a…date, are we?”

The bony scales that served as his eyebrows wiggled teasingly as you probably went three shades of red.

“You guessed correctly.”

Kierce clicked his tongue and leaned forward excitedly. “Oh? Do tell? Are they from work?”

“You’re my boss.” You laughed, shaking your head. Being entirely sarcastic. “I can’t share those type of details with you.”

“I could just wait till Monday.” Kierce shrugged. “I’m sure it’ll be all over the workplace by then. Or sit here until they come back. I couldn’t let a pretty jewel like yourself sit alone for long.”

A waiter came by and dropped off Kierce’s massive to-go coffee cup and a medium sized brown paper bag. His smile transformed into that very familiar smirk as he addressed the waiter. “Thank you, sweetheart.” His attention went back to you and he tilted his head. “Or, heaven forbid, did they ditch you?”

Some part of you would have been thrilled if that was the case. The conversation had been so dull, you were glad to talk to someone else.

“Or maybe you scared them off.”

“Puh-lease, I am not that intimidating.” He scoffed playfully. Taking a sip of his coffee. “You’re not scared of me, are you?”

“I find you a little annoying.”

“Hey, I am your superior. You can’t say that to me.”

“We’re not in the factory anymore, Kierce! I can say what I want.” Despite the tones, you could see the twinkle in his eyes. Conveying he was being just as sarcastic as you were. And it made you laugh as he scoffed dramatically.

“You wait till Monday.” The growl, though utterly playful, sent a chill through you. And you hoped Kierce didn’t see the way goosebumps ran along your arm. You covered up your flustered state with a laugh. Shaking your head.

You finally glanced around the cafe, looking for Max. It had been some time since he left the table. His coffee would be going cold soon.

Probably thinking the same thing, Kierce also looked around the small shop and its tables.

“Who did you actually invite out?” He asked.

“He invited me. It was Max.” You said with a huff. Surely, you seriously did not just get ditched. “He said he was just going to the restroom.”

Kierce clicked his tongue and pushed his drink and bag towards you. “Hold these, I’ll go make sure he hasn’t fallen in or something.”

You nodded as Kierce stood from the table and went inside. You could smell the freshly baked treats inside the bag. They smelt amazing. And the strong smell of coffee radiating from his to-go cup was mildly worrying.

After a minute, Kierce returned to the table. Shrugging.

“I’m sorry to say, I think he ditched you.” He pointed at Max’s coffee. “Did he pay for his?”

“Not yet. We literally just got here.” You were a little crestfallen about the situation. Your first date in a while and the guy gets up and leaves you to pay for both coffees. Your food would be out any minute as well.

Kierce sat back down and retrieved his goodies from you. He tore open the bag and retrieved one of his scones between his claws.

“Well, his lost. My gain.” He winked and took a large bite from the cream filled delight. Just as your plate of food was placed in front of you and Max’s was placed beside Kierce. Who took one look at it and scooted it a little ways away from him with the tip of his claw. “So, what shall we discuss on our first date?”

The twinkle in his golden gaze almost made you choke on your food as much as his words did.

After taking a sip of your drink, you shot him a small glare. “This isn’t a date.”

“Oh? Then what is it.”

“You hijacking a date.”

“But still a date…” He chuckled at how easily he could get you flustered. With a small wink and a smile, and your little bit of irritation was gone. “It’d be rude of me to ditch you as well. Do you need a ride home after this?”

There was no teasing to his question. But a genuine offer. And you shook your head.

“Thank you, but my brother is going to pick me up afterwards. But I appreciate the offer.” You picked at your food and Kierce carried on with the conversation.

You found yourself talking a lot easier with Kierce than with Max. The subjects ranged from hobbies, to your life and his work before the factory. You found yourself laughing a lot more at his jokes and his chuckle was just as loud when you told a few stories about your family.

Before you knew it, you were both on your third cafe beverage and were only disturbed by Kierce’s phone ringing.

Though he declined the call, he sighed.

“I should get back to the office. I am a little late for a meeting.” He said, gathering the leftover scones and putting them back in the bag. “This was fun, (y/n). We should do this again.”

Again with that damn smirk and crinkle under his eyes. You rolled your eyes and stood as well. Getting your money out to pay, but Kierce tsked.

“The gentleman pays for the first date. Especially when he asked.”

You didn’t even bother trying to correct him. And you let him go to the counter and pay for the table’s bill.

“Thank you.” You said when he joined you to walk towards the car park. “I did have a good time. You made an ok date, really good.”

“Don’t take it to heart.” Kierce said gently. Nodding towards the cafe, to where you both had been sitting. “Some guys just can’t handle talking to a gem for too long. See you on Monday.”

With a flick of his tail, Kierce hurried across the road to his shiny car. Leaving you, yet again, to stutter a ‘goodbye’ after him.

#dragon #male dragon #dragon x reader #male dragon x reader #male dragon x nb reader #non-binary reader #nb reader #slow burn #sfw #commission #patreon #monster lover #dragon lover #dragon boyfriend #dragon boss #monster boyfriend #monster boss #male monster

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havethetouch · 3 months ago

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Back on my bullshit because now that I have a longer vacation going on I can tackle this again, this time with feeling. Also I had a break in between bc I remembered and forgot to mention that I was out and about for almost a week living in a flat to babysit animals while their owners were out of the country but I had been yearning for the ceiling. After Time got away from me a bit got brainfogged suddenly realized it is September already wtf. If I hadn't liveblogged the ceiling shenanigans I might've misremembered when that started too. Anyway.

Previously on Touch's ceiling shenanigans

And right now we are here:

Ceiling skeleton. The support beams are all askew as fuck and jammed into the the walls on both sides. I have thermal plastering ready for it's call to action as one of the walls with the holes is an outer wall and the cold will crawl through and try to get me without proper insulation. I am also currently busy with removing everything that has been lying about in this room (before it was the storage room for when I freshly moved in so a lot of stuff just.. floating about) because the crossbars do not inspire confidence in me that they will not drop weirdly when I loosen them up lol I also bribed my auntie to take me a few villages over (I do not have a car) to get some more supplies for the removal of the distemper paint and shit to seal of cracks were the ceiling and walls meet. Also... there is a cable duct in the corner right over the space were the oven will go and I figured it might be for the best to pry open the wall to sink it and for that I needed a different kind of quick-drying plaster which was also acquired. And then I thought yeah well, get some of those parquet mini fix thingies.. you know the idk how it is called but basically there are some scratches and dents in the floor in need of some TLC and I know how sanding down parquet and resealing it properly works but I also know how much time and shit that takes and I might at some point say "it is time" but it ain't this year or the next for sure. So mini fixes it is for now. I also have a different endboss now in this entire thing because see... I have a second door in this room to the outside of my driveway. I just have this second entry point to my abode which will be very handy once I work with some of my materials that need a lot of ventilation and shit. But anyway so... Somewhen in the past there was flooding I know this there is plenty of visible evidence of it all over my home that there went water were it was not supposed to go. But nowhere is it more apparent than this door.

There used to be parquet in between (it's a double door) and just look how fucking thick my outside walls are fucks sake and my dad removed that because it looked like one step away from having you meet the underside of the building and filled that all up with concrete but nothing more than that. I think he wanted to seal the doorway up permanently at some point and I am glad he didn't because I adore the second entry point. But yeahhh this is a bit of damage. I misremembered how much bc I had to temp seal this off for a bit because mice kept sneaking through these two doors into the house last winter along with the cold. So it kinda slipped my mind how rotten the wooden frames are and how even the concrete on the sides is all fucked up. Got some work ahead on that one. There is also a massive black spider somewhere in the woodbeams that I only caught a glimpse of before she scuttled in there and at some point we will probably make eye contact when I remove the rotten wood :')

And yeh this is no longer just the ceiling but like I said, am on vacation now so I try to get everything wrapped up soon and that includes this entry door along with the floor. Cross fingers the spider does not jump me she looked like she could beat my ass.

#touch speaks #lil projects #enter the ceiling #long post

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autopulsehub · 19 days ago

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Find the Best Car Denting and Painting Services Near You

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feraliminal · 4 months ago

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Skin

(Content warning for robot body horror.)

So, you know how some Alliance seemed to have some patches of human skin, but it seems to be less common now? What if it wasn’t just a consequence of squishing models together, but because they were originally designed to have a little skin to look less creepy to humans? With few humans around, they’ve decided to lose the skin because it’s a nuisance to take care of - it needs nutrients, gets damaged more easily than metal, gets sunburn, etc. In well-stocked Alliance bases, it would have been a relatively quick procedure to remove it and replace it with metal or plastic casings. There’s even a few weirdos who want to keep it or replace it with skin-toned rubber. In less well-connected areas though, skin removal has been a matter of necessity.

—

“I mean, scarves do cover up the creepy skin.”

Immediately, Barrow realised he’d said something wrong. Dent turned its head away, and pulled on its sleeve, which was already too far down to expose any skin anyway. ‘Am I…’ it signed, with another sign that Barrow guessed meant something like creepy.

‘You’re not creepy,’ he signed. ‘You’re good.’ He wished he’d had the signs for something like an all-round decent fellow, but what he’d learned so far had been minimal and focused on practicality. It didn’t look likely that backup would be arriving any time soon, the small army of camera heads had been facing up to the possibility that they could be here for the long haul and preparing accordingly. And Barrow was getting used to sharing his apocalypse hideout with them. He didn’t know the words to comfort the dented camera, but did know the words for car battery, generator, and barricade.

Dent gave a little nod, its way of confirming that Barrow had made sense. ‘This is creepy,’ it signed, rolling up its sleeve a little. It poked the pallid skin on its wrist, and the spot it had poked went paler. Barrow didn’t remember it looking that bad when he’d first noticed that some of them had it, but he’d never looked closely. ‘Skin,’ it signed, repeating the word a few times.

‘Why skin?’ Barrow asked. Or maybe the sign was flesh. Meat even, that was probably a better descriptor of the unhealthy-looking stuff. He’d noticed that signs didn’t always correspond to his mental translation of an English language word. The ‘why’ sign could be used as a general question signifier, he’d seen camera heads using it when he’d have wanted to say where, what, who, how, and so on. He suspected there was an invisible form of communication they were using for added context. The question sign and the name of another camera head, for example, could result in a number of answers - it’s fine, it’s outside, it borrowed your car battery, and so on.

Dent answered with a barrage of sign that Barrow didn’t fully understand. He recognised ‘human’, ‘creepy’, and a sign he’d seen used in the context of concealing entrances they used often and keeping curtains closed at night when the lights were on, maybe ‘camouflage’.

Making his best guess, he used the signs he’d spotted as he spoke out loud. “Humans think robots are creepy, so you had to cover it up with skin?”

Dent nodded.

“Nah, we don’t think robots are creepy. We love robots - you know, the Terminator, Star Wars, Transformers.” He wasn’t going to mention that he’d been in the protests, that he’d seen two hunched-over camera heads being rushed past a baying and booing crowd by a police escort. He’d came back the night after and spray painted ‘shut them down’ on the storefront while the two little creatures had huddled together on the floor under a desk, watching him. He’d thought they’d just been programmed to act cute, now he knew they’d been terrified. “We’ve all been lied to,” he said. “So you’d do the jobs that nobody wanted for nothing. You don’t have to look like us.” He didn’t have the signs for that.

Dent tilted its head, swayed a little on the balls of its feet, and made a soft whirring sound from somewhere in its chest. It raised its hands to speak, then paused, and slowly, clearly signed ‘We both don’t like this.’ It rolled its sleeve up completely - the flesh didn’t look right at all, going bad even. It was mottled a sickly purple, and seemed to be receding from where it started at mid-forearm. It hadn’t been obvious when Dent had its sleeves down, but now there was a faint whiff of a supermarket meat counter. ‘It’s dead.’ That was the same dead used for toilet zombies, not the broken used for damaged robots.

Barrow remembered a scene from some gruesome sci-fi, maybe The Terminator in fact. “Can we get rid of it? Would it hurt you?”

Dent shrugged, and started peeling at the edge of the skin sheet closest to its elbow. Then shook its head.

‘No,’ Barrow signed quickly. “Okay, don’t do that, we should probably find that one who does repairs, just in case…” But it was too late. The gremlin that compels humans to do things like shave their heads at three in the morning apparently had a counterpart for robots.

—

Characters from here - they’re both kind of underdeveloped and more an excuse for cute cultural exchange scenarios, but I’m starting to make a whole little plot plan!

#skibidi toilet #skibidi fanfic #body horror #robot body horror?#mini fic #skibidi toilet oc #cameramen #skibidi speculation #feraliminal fic

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fandom-junk-drawer · 1 year ago

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The Witcher Headcanon (Modern AU) - Error 404 Brain Not Found: Bonus Scene - Part 1

I decided that this headcanon needed some bonus scenes!

Error 404 Brain Not Found Headcanon

Jaskier had gotten up, harrassed Yennefer until she'd yelled at him, watched some tv, done all the other little mundane daily chores he had to do, then quickly gotten bored.

And when Jaskier got bored, he naturally involved Geralt in his outlandish ideas.

This one was going to be his best idea ever! He had to play it cool though, because Yennefer was home, and she was always trying to put a damper on his fun.

The second Yennefer leaves to go run an errand in town, Jaskier is bursting into Geralt's room.

"Yen has gone out, and I've got a hella fun idea! You remember that one kid that climbed up-!"

"No, the kid was fine! The bounce slows you way down!"

We're going to try it with two!"

"Two, Geralt! Think about it! It will be twice the fun, and twice as awesome!"

"We'll have helmets, it will be fine!"

Geralt was skeptical at first, but the more Jaskier talked about it, more he wanted to try it.

Was it dangerous? Probably, but it sounded like so much fun! And they would be wearing helmets. Geralt and his brothers had done sh*t like this all the time growing up in Kaer Morhen. It had vexed Vesemir to no end. And h*ll, he still regularly did stuff like this on most of his contracts. This was going to be like training in Kaer Morhen, except fun!

Yen would definitely not have approved, but she was gone for the moment, so they were unsupervised. Geralt felt a little thrill at the thought. She couldn't stop them!

F**k it, they were so doing this!

Not ten minutes later, they had everything set up, and Geralt found himself standing on the roof with Jaskier. The rational part of his brain sternly told him that this was f***ing stupid, but his inner child kept chanting "Do it! Do it! Do it!".

Yennefer was trying to decide which book she was going to buy when it felt like someone touched the back of her neck with an icy finger. A shiver coursed through her, accompanied by a strong sense of unease. Or was it dread? Her Dumbf**kery Alarm was going off. Geralt and Jaskier were doing something stupid.

Yennefer dropped the book and headed for her car.

Jaskier adjusted his helmet, then leapt off the roof, yelling "PEEEEEEENIIIIISSSSS!"

The bard landed in the center of the tampoline on the balcony and bounced over the side, landed on his a** in the middle of the trampoline on the ground, and then rolled in the grass. He jumped to his feet, unhurt with an excited whoop.

Geralt went for it. He hurled himself off the roof. Everything went swimmingly, until Geralt bounced off the first tampoline. That's when things went wahooni-shaped. All his Witcher reflexes took over when he landed on the second tampoline.

Jaskier didn't know what the h*ll happened, but one minute Geralt was hitting the first tampoline as planned and doing a fancy twirl in the air off the balcony, and the next minute he was bouncing off the second tampoline and flying, f***ing flying straight into the side of Van Roach.

Geralt slammed into the side of the van hard enough to make it rock. Jaskier was already running to him as he stumbled to his feet, cursing.

"F**k!"

"D*mmit! Geralt! Geralt, are you alright?"

"F**k!" Geralt said, stumbling over to the van, removing his helmet as he went. All he could see was the huge Witcher shaped dent in the side.

"Oh sh*t, Geralt...

Geralt ignored him, too focused on the warped side of his van. D*mn the dent was huge! He ran around to the other side and fumbled the side door open, praying to every god he knew that the dent wasn't deep enough to ruin the interior paneling. He swore again when he saw the dent had indeed been deep enough to damage the interior.

Jaskier fluttered helplessly around Geralt as he ran back around to the dented driver's side to see if the paint was scratched anywhere on the air brushed fantasy scene.

"Geralt," Jaskier says. He's tugging at Geralt's sleeve, trying to get his attention.

"Geralt!"

Jaskier is talking to him, but Geralt is too busy cussing and growling over the damage to Van Roach. But there's a note of urgency in Jaskier's voice that is getting hard to ignore.

"Geralt, you big oaf, your wrist is broken!"

Geralt finally focuses on him. The bard gently cradles Geralt's left wrist, supporting it carefully in his hands, and the Witcher finally looks at it for the first time.

It's very obviously broken. It's swollen, deformed, and already bruising. Now that it has his attention, Geralt can feel the pain.

And oh, f**k does it hurt!

They look at each other, the same realization in their eyes.

"She's going to kill us!"

"No she's not, because we aren't going to tell her!"

"She's going to f***ing see your broken a** wrist, and then she's going to start asking questions, and then she's going know, and then she's going to kill us!"

"Calm down, I can get us out of this! She'll never find out."

"How are you going hide a broken wrist?"

"Here's the plan. I'll go to the hospital. You stay here and put the tampolines away. You tell her I got a contract, then I'll come back in a few days and tell her I broke it on the hunt.

"What about the big a** dent in Roach?"

"I'll tell her the monster threw me into Roach. That's how I broke my wrist! She'll never know I broke it jumping off the roof!"

"But Geralt--!"

"She's not going to know! She's not going to know!"

"She's going to know!"

"How is she going to know!"

"Because she's standing right behind you!"

Geralt whipped around just in time for Yennefer to take him by the ear and shake him like a naughty dog.

"You, you....kn*bheads!" she shouts, grabbing Jaskier as well before he could run off, "You sawdust-brained dumba**es!"

Then she's dragging them both inside by their ears, berating them the entire time. They shuffle along awkwardly to either side of her, hunched over, their progress punctuated by a steady stream of 'Owowow!'s

Yennefer lets go of Jaskier long enough to open the back door, then grabs him by the back of his shirt as he tries to make a run for it, and swings him inside. Geralt is the last one in, dragged inside by the ear, clawing at the door frame like the last desperate horror movie victim.

The trampolines are put away, possibly never to be seen again, and Geralt's wrist is fixed. Several days later, he and Jaskier are out in the driveway, fixing the dent in the side of Roach, while Yennefer sits on the porch, watching to make sure they don't do anything stupid. Again.

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